Not my photo. Found on Pixabay.
Assuming Can be a Pain in the Ass
The night sky was clear with every
twinkling star visible. That’s when Jimbob Baterman
saw a group of those stars getting closer to him. He stood watching as they
turned from little balls of light in the sky to
big ones surrounding a round object just above where he stood. The object drew
closer and closer, until a craft a little
bigger than a large SUV landed in front of him.
A
door opened and out walked a creature, dark orange in color and slightly taller
than Jimbob himself. The creature looked much like a man did but with a larger
head than a normal person. The thing’s mouth was big enough to be proportionate
to the size of its head, but its ears were tiny nubs on the sides. Its nose sat
too high on the thing's face. Its nostrils level with its beady, black eyes. No
hair covered its knobby head. It wore a green robe. Jimbob couldn’t believe his
eyes. He’d waited years to have an encounter with an alien.
It spoke, “I mean you no harm. My mate and I
are on a mission to learn about your kind and your planet.” The creature knew
English, which surprised Jimbob.
“A real live
alien! Hot-dog, ya don’t know how long I’ve waited to meet one of ya. I’m
Jimbob. How long you stayin’ fer?” Jimbob asked the weird being that stood
in front of him.
“As long as need
be, but in your tongue and the way you gauge time, about a week. My name is not
pronounceable in your language, but a suitable translation is Arnie,” the
creature said.
“Arnie, huh, not
what I expected fer an alien. So, you
gonna take me aboard yer ship and do some tests or something?” Jimbob could
hardly control his excitement.
“You are welcome
to board my ship if you like, but I don’t have any tests I need to run. You can
meet my family, though. It is so nice to come in contact with such a friendly
human; the last one tried to hit me with a cleaning tool,” Arnie said.
“Well, that’s no
way to be treated as a visitor,” Jimbob replied.
Jimbob
followed the alien, Arnie, aboard his ship where he met his mate and his child,
which Arnie introduced as his daughter, but there were no characteristics to
prove if the small purple creature was male or female, let alone that it was
even the same kind of organism. It had the same large head and mouth, but the
ears and eyes were huge in comparison.
Jimbob
was disappointed that Arnie hadn’t performed any test on him while aboard the
ship. So, he grabbed something on his
way out. Maybe, Jimbob thought, Arnie wanted to hold off on testing
so they could get to know one another better. Though, he figured he’d help
out by getting one of the tests started.
Jimbob
went home content that night. Finally, he’d met an alien, and he couldn’t wait
to get the test started. He took the gadget he’d taken from the ship out of his
pocket. After looking it over, he found a dial on the bottom and turned it. The
top lit up with a green light and he was satisfied that he’d figured out how to
turn it on. Hoping that it wouldn’t affect the results, he wiped a little Vaseline
on the tip and inserted it. He went to bed a little uncomfortable, but he’d
figured he’d get used to it.
The
next morning Jimbob woke to a pounding on his window. He looked over and saw
Arnie standing there looking at him. He went over to the window, awkwardly, and
opened it.
“Good morning,
Arnie. Nice day, huh.”
“If you say so.
I was wondering if I could observe you for a couple of days. Is that all right
with you?” Arnie asked.
“That’s fine
with me, but what'cha gonna observe? I don’t really do much around here besides
tend to the cows and crops.” Jimbob sounded unsure when he spoke.
“Anything to get
me away from the mate and baby awhile, things are a bit rough back at the
ship.”
Over
the next few days, Arnie watched Jimbob as he milked and fed the cows and as he
worked the crops in his fields. On the first day, he noticed Jimbob walking
weird, a little bowlegged like he was uncomfortable for some reason.
Progressively over the days, his strange gait got worse and more bowlegged.
Arnie wanted to ask about it but wasn’t quite sure how to bring up the subject,
and every time he’d start to bring it up, he’d stop himself and say something
else.
On
the third day, Arnie went back to his ship. Jimbob was disappointed that Arnie
had still not brought up doing any tests. He wanted to surprise Arnie and let
him know that he had taken the probe and started the tests on his own. Jimbob
thought that Arnie might have been embarrassed to bring up the subject. After
all, they'd sort of became friends, and friends don’t normally ask if they can
stick things up your butt to collect data.
Arnie
came back the next morning and continued watching Jimbob. He noticed Jimbob’s
walk was getting worse, but he still didn’t know how to bring it up. Arnie
could help him if it was a health issue. His species had perfected healing
through touch and a certain level of brainpower.
“Jimbob,” Arnie
started, but then he changed what he was going to say, “my family and I are
leaving early. We’ll be leaving tomorrow because something has come up, and
it’s not controllable on your planet. We must return home.”
“Well, damn that
kinda sucks, but hey, we had fun, right? Come
get me before you leave, and I’ll see you off,” Jimbob said.
Arnie
watched as Jimbob finished his daily chores before he returned to his ship.
Jimbob went to bed upset that the aliens would be making their departure the
next day. He woke in the morning saddened that Arnie was not there, waking him.
Jimbob hoped that they didn’t leave without saying goodbye.
Finally,
around five o’clock he decided to go and check to see if Arnie and his family
had already gone. On his way there, he was pleasantly surprised to find Arnie
headed toward his house.
“I thought you
left without saying goodbye,” Jimbob said.
“No, I was having
a problem with my mate. There was something I needed to say before I went
anyways,” said Arnie
“Oh, what’s
that?” Jimbob asked.
“I’ve been
meaning to ask, what the hell is wrong with your ass? You’ve been walking
around this entire week like you have a corncob stuck up there. Is it
hemorrhoids? I can fix those for you. We’ve learned how to heal by touch.”
Jimbob
was so upset that Arnie was going home that he’d completely forgotten about the
probe. He had meant to remove it before leaving his house, but Arnie hadn't
shown up to say that he and his family were headed out.
“Oh, I almost
forgot about that. It’s not hemorrhoids, it’s yer probe. I figured ya forgot to
use it, so I grabbed it and went ahead and put it up there fer ya. Ya should have plenty of data to show
for your mission, although I had to take it out when I took a shit. Don’t
worry, I stuck it back up there without wiping,” Jimbob told Arnie, excitedly.
“Probe? What are
you talking about, I don’t understand.” Arnie’s voice was laced with his
obvious confusion.
“You know,
that’s what you guys do, right? To collect information about us, you use a butt
probe.”
“No, we collect
information by interacting with beings from a species that are less dangerous
than the majority. What does this thing look like that you took and, uh, put up
your ass?”
Jimbob
ran behind a tree and proceeded to take the device out of him. Then he went
back to Arnie with it in his hand. Arnie looked at the thing, covered in the
most disgusting substance that could have covered it, and he knew exactly what
it was.
Arnie
smacked Jimbob in the back of the head. “You asshole! My mate and I have been
looking for this all week. We’ve gone crazy trying to find it, and now there is
no way we can use it. We’re going to end up killing each other before we get
back home!” Arnie shouted angrily.
“Why? What is
it?” Jimbob asked.
“It’s our
daughter’s goddamn pacifier! She’s been screaming her head off because she
doesn’t have it!” Arnie yelled.
“Oops, I’m
sorry. But, you know, you should always carry a backup. Pacifiers seem to end
up in the weirdest places.” Jimbob’s apology was overshadowed by his
knowledgeable smart-assed comment.
Arnie left to return home. The
cops found Jimbob in the woods three days later, his head wrapped in, what
looked like, a giant used diaper and the
alien pacifier in his mouth. He was barely alive when they found him. They
asked what the device was that he had in his mouth. He told them it was a
probe, and that the aliens got mad and shoved it in his mouth when they didn’t
get any useful information from it. Jimbob still sits in a mental institution
to this day.*Yes, I have posted this before. No, I still haven't edited it, but I may; I've definitely been thinking about improving it or working with a retelling of it. I hope you got a good laugh at this story as that's what it's written for. Thanks for reading! 😁
