It's back to work

For the most part I haven't really worked on my novel in a month or so. Yeah, there has been a day here or there that I got some writing in, never much though. A page here, two pages there. At the most during the past month I wrote five pages in one day. But the days of working on it were rare and far between. That doesn't mean I didn't write anything at all. I actually wrote something everyday during that month or more, mostly poetry. Poetry that fit my mood. See, I'm sure the last few posts I've got up before this one, well, you can probably tell I was struggling with a bit of depression. Maybe not, I haven't went back and read them. I'm just going by memory. Depression is something I'm familiar with, I've fought with it on and off for awhile now. I use to be a happy kid, nothing ever brought me down but something broke that in me around 13 or 14. I don't know what it was. I have no recollection of what made me go from being energetic and happy one day to almost instantly being sad, upset and just plain mad at the world. It doesn't matter anyways, I suppose, because if I figured out what it was, I would just dwell on it and that wouldn't help me. So, yeah, basically I'm saying I've been in a slump, probably about six months now. Maybe more. Time just slips by and I can't think exactly when this recent bout started. If you've ever experience it, you know that you kind of just go through the motions and throw up a facade. A couple of days ago something happened, it wasn't good but it brought such strong emotions that I'd thought I'd snapped. Thought I was broken forever. I'm not and I refuse to be. But it made me realize what I'd been doing, especially this last month or so. Let me go back, though. I mentioned that though I hadn't been working on my novel, I have been writing poetry. It's my go to thing. I went through that poetry, oh how terribly depressing it was, lol, but I got to one I wrote just last Friday. Yeah, Friday the 13th, ooooh, superstitious anyone? Only 4 days before the incident that made me realize what I was doing. I didn't see it at the time, maybe I didn't want to see it, when I put it in to my Facebook status (my notebook and pen weren't handy and I didn't feel like opening anything else, so, hey, Facebook was up and I put it there. It happens sometimes). Anywho, as I was saying, I got to this poem and honestly, I remember writing it but I don't really remember. Does that make sense? I read it and was just kind of like, "Wow". No, it's not the best poem I ever wrote. It's nothing to compare to any famous poet but still, it nearly made me weep. I do not weep. Yeah, I cry but weep? No. It kind of touched something in me, so I wanted to share. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. Some probably didn't even get to it because of my ramblings above but I thank those that stayed with me to this point. Here's the poem:

LIFE

I lost a love that wasn't mine,
It left my mind so far behind.
Too complicated,
Too intertwined.
I miss the love that isn't mine.

A love of life,
A love of time.
A love that never said, "Goodbye."
I never realized it was there,
As I washed my face
Or combed my hair.

I'm left to wonder where it's gone.
Too much time has passed,
So long,
Not to realize it had left.
Where is all my happiness?

When did it leave?
Has it died?
Perhaps, it had to hide?
Now that I know it has gone,
I miss it so
But I wonder, did it have to go?

So, now I search
Day in and out
For a love I miss,
So much.
For a love of life,
A love of time,
Knowing that it can be mine.


(A side note, I'm back to finishing up my novel. I've set a goal to have it finished no later than July :-)